You are now 5 weeks old and the size of a sesame seed, but you look more like a tadpole than a human baby at this point. Even still, your body is developing at an amazingly rapid pace... Your heart will even start beating and pumping blood through your tiny little body within the next few days. You are incredible :)Something else that's incredible is how God is already using your tiny little life in huge ways. He's using you to teach me to trust His will and have peace in the midst of anything. At church on Sunday we learned that there are two ways to live your life: You can either "be God's" or "be gods". In other words, you can allow God to have ownership over your life, belonging to Him and trusting that He will be enough to take care of you... Or you can try to run your own life. Since I have decided to "be God's" it means I have to give up control of everything in my life - even you.
The truth is that you are God's baby anyway. He is the one who is knitting you together in my tummy (Psalm 139:13). He has only chosen me as a vessel to create someone as wonderul as you to carry out His plans. I still dread the idea of losing you, but now when that fear creeps up instead of praying, "Please God, no... Let me keep my baby..." I have learned to pray, "Your will, not mine... But please God, hold my hand if You choose to lead me down a painful path". I will praise Him for your life no matter how long or short He chooses to make it.
This doesn't mean that I'm not doing everything humanly possible to keep you safe! In fact, my faith was tested in a scary way yesterday when the doctor called to tell me that my Progesterone levels were dangerously low. She called in a prescription for me and told me to be "very careful" for the next several days. My heart dropped when I heard that and all I could think about was getting you what you needed as quickly as possible. I drove to the pharmacy with my gas tank on empty and the light mocking me with every mile I miraculously drove on fumes. I was scared, but I just kept praying that God would help me get you what you needed as quickly as possible if that's what He had planned for you.
When I arrived at the pharmacy I was notified that they had no record of your prescription being called in. I called the doctor only to get their answering service. Not going to lie... I almost lost it and almost started bawling right there in front of the pharmacist. But as the tears started to fill my eyes I stopped - took a deep breath - and prayed, "Lord, this is in Your hands. Please comfort me regardless of what You have in store". Just as I finished my prayer another pharmacist chimed in and had the idea that the order may be on the voicemail system. It was, and they filled the prescription right away. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and even though the bottle said to take it at bedtime (because it could make me sleepy) I didn't waste a single second taking one of those pills! I was only 2 minutes from home so I promise I wasn't being irresponsible ;)
I spent the rest of the evening barely moving once I got home. Luckily I have a job and a boss which allow me to work from home if need be, so I will probably spend the next couple of days working from my bed with my feet propped up on pillows. I'm physically being as careful with you as I know how, but I'm thankful that God is already using you to show His power. You are one special superbaby...
In other news, your grandfather has lovingly nicknamed you "Lester" - He said that with a name like "Lester Blackwell" you could become a southern gospel singer. If you're a girl, "Loretta" will have to do. I think we'll wait until we know for sure what you are before giving you a name, but don't worry... We will make sure it's a good one that will open the door for a variety of career opportunities! In the meantime, it's fun to tease your Daddy that "Lester was the one who took a bite out of your bagel..."
I love you always!
Love,
Mommy
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